How Children Become Entitled...

Entitled Adults May Be Our Fault...

Did you realize that we have an entire generation of adults who want a prize for just about everything?  Yep... they arrived at work... so.... what will you give them?  No, their salary isn't enough... this is a generation of people who want to know what they're going to get for doing more.  Working hard and actually caring about their work is not what drives them.  Instead, external motivators are what they desire.  A bonus, something free, a reward!

Well, most people agree that entitled adults are not desirable in society, let alone the workplace.  We don't want these kinds of people working with us or for us.  We WANT employees who WANT to do well for themselves and for the company.  They may stay late or come in early, but not for anything from the employer.  Instead, they have intrinsic motivation or a desire to do well, to succeed, or to feel good about what they do.  This is why research has been done to study motivation.  People do not leave their jobs due to a lack of external motivators like getting paid (although this is sometimes the case).  Instead, the majority of studies show that people leave their jobs because they don't feel valued or needed OR because of the leadership.  So, it's not really external motivators that drive us, but an internal desire to be a part of something or belong.

Why then, is this changing?  I imagine it has a lot to do with how we are currently raising and educating our most impressionable minds.  People don't just become entitled when they are in the workplace.  Entitled adults were once entitled children.  And we are a big cause of that entitlement.

I'm not saying that children should not enjoy celebrations, or even be the center of attention at times.  Birthdays, for example, are milestones that I feel should be celebrated.  My family and I actually make a huge deal about the little things.  We once had a party to open my parents' new deck.  And, we also had a cooler party when they got a new cooler... we like to celebrate.  But, I'm referring to the HOW we celebrate.

How We Celebrate... 

I love parties!  I enjoy a good party.  My description of a good party is probably different than yours.  I imagine everyone has their own idea of what a "good party" would be.  That's great.  What's not ok is when we over-exaggerate these little, special moments... even the big moments over and over again.  Children learn through experiences.  If each and every experience they have is exaggerated then guess what?  They learn to expect that!

If an unborn baby gets a whole party complete with a catered venue just for people to discover its gender than we can probably assume this baby will have a huge party for their first birthday... and their second... and eventually, they become accustomed to having entire venues rented out for their birthday. This child easily becomes a 10 year old who wants a cell phone, a 16 year old who expects a new car and so on.  How and when do you start giving a child limits and saying, "no"? This is the tough part... we have to start working together instead of competing with each other for the best and biggest event.  This is needed in school as well.

STOP Rewarding Them!

There is so much research on rewards and punishment.  For starters, look up Alfie Kohn.  For years, the negative effects of rewards have been pointed out, but what do educators continue to do?  Reward! I do believe that most educators know that rewards are not the best method.  I think they are asked to use them because their administration demands them.  This is a conversation for another time.

Children should NOT be rewarded for following the rules, for cleaning up, and especially for being kind to one another.  This is just being a good person.  If we begin to create generations who want something for being nice or picking up trash then we are creating a society where everyone only cares for themselves. 

Think it's impossible?  I have heard it before.  And, I have proof that it can work... children do not need to get anything for cleaning up, for example.  In my classroom I have 14 three-year-olds who clean up when it's time without any reward.  How did I do it?  My co-teachers and I established the routine and expectations at the beginning of the year and we stuck to them.  There was no giving in.  It didn't happen right away, but we modeled what we wanted done, assisted and redirected as needed, and eventually, it just happened.  Here's the kicker.... these children may not clean up at home without a reward, but they certainly do at school.  Why?  Children are incredibly perceptive.  They learn very quickly what the expectations and boundaries are in each and every environment they're in.  This is why they seem to be perfectly fine all day, but then become whiny and pushy when they go to the sitter's... or grandma's.... or anywhere where the expectations are different.  They know what they can get away with and where.  I know from experience.  My children are great at school and get away with much more than they should at home with me.  I tend to let a lot slide at home with them.  Most of the time I just feel bad.  They are following directions ALL DAY at school... most of them silly and ridiculous like "ask to go get a drink of water".  They are "good" all day and that takes a lot of attention, self-control, and patience.  It's no surprise that when they walk in the door they can finally relax.  I have expectations and boundaries, but my husband is much more likely to call them downstairs to put their shoes away themselves while I may just do it myself and allow them 5 more minutes to play.   And they know they can get away with more when I'm home.  I'm very aware of that... I just don't always pick that battle.

So What Now?

That is the tricky part... how do we stop what we're doing and re-train young children to not expect a reward?  First of all, it doesn't happen over night.  And, things typically get worse before they get better.  I think we start by simply noticing.  Don't change anything and instead simply pay attention to what you are doing with your children and family.  See how they respond to a request.  Take note of what they ask for and what you give them without them asking.  Maybe you will see that you are giving them way more than they need.  Or... maybe you'll notice that they ask for things.  Pay attention to how they treat the things they have.  Are they wasteful?  Disposable?  Do they value gifts?  That's a good starting place to evaluate what you feel you should start to change.  Then, start small.  Just change one little thing. For example, don't pay them for cleaning their rooms, or getting good grades.  One thing at a time. Slowly phase out what you feel is unnecessary.  Lastly, surround yourself with people of similar beliefs.  If your family does not pay for good grades, for example, but all of your children's friends do then it may be more difficult.  Surround yourself with families with similar parenting styles and beliefs.  It truly takes a village so make sure your village is filled with supportive people.